Not long ago, I wrote a blog about my struggle with the decision to have (or not to have) children. I had always known that there was a strong possibility that children were not in God’s plan for me, and I was very comfortable with that. But as possibility started looking more and more like reality, I started to question myself. Am I sure God doesn’t want me to have kids? So, as I now do whenever something is weighing on my mind, I wrote about it.
After reading my blog, someone commented that it seemed like I’d already made up my mind. I was confused by the statement at first, but when I went back and re-read what I’d posted, I saw what he/she meant. And it rocked my world.
You see, about the time I posted that blog, my husband and I had decided that we would have children. We even went so far as to tell some friends about it, and sketch out a timeline. But somehow, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I felt increasingly uneasy. I kept flipping back and forth in my mind, but I didn’t want to revisit the issue. It felt good to have made an official decision, even if it might not be the right one.
The blog comment was the first in a long series of events (of which I’ll spare you the details) that made it painfully obvious that we needed to regroup. After much prayer and discussion, we came to a new conclusion:
It just doesn’t look like parenthood is in God’s plan for us. I know you should never say never where God is concerned, and I won’t. But what I can say is that we’re going to live life as if we aren’t having children, and I know it’s the right direction for us.
Now that I have faced reality, I have that peace again which I’ve only ever experienced when I’ve been in the center of God’s will. But that’s not to say I am bursting with happiness right now either. I wanted to want to be a mom. And I wanted to make my parents happy by giving them a grandchild. And I wanted, for once in my freakin’ life, to do something the same way everyone else does it.
But when it’s all said and done, more than anything, I want what God wants. And apparently, that doesn’t include any little Shelleys running around. Oh well – one is probably enough anyway.