Today’s post is in honor of the Purple Women Count Campaign, a blogging-blitz aimed at getting BlogHer and other women-centric websites to add a category for Women Without Children. The campaign is the brainchild of Teri Tith, founder of Purple Women & Friends, who got tired of getting the brush-off from the folks at BlogHer who insist that there just aren’t enough people interested in childfree issues to warrant its own category. I think that viewpoint is a bit shortsighted.
The number of blogs focused specifically on being childfree is relatively small – a Google search only turns up about 15 or so. BUT, I wouldn’t even begin to try to estimate the number of childfree women who are out there blogging on a different topic.
Take me for example. I wouldn’t necessarily call End of The Tunnel a childfree blog, but everything I do write about is colored (or should I say purpled) by my decision not to have kids. Conversely, if I did have a child, I’m sure my writing would take on a different slant. Any parent will tell you that having a child affects every aspect of your life – it makes perfect sense that choosing not to have one would have quite an impact as well.
So, when I’m looking for new blogs to read, I tend to prefer those written by women who don’t have children. I just can’t relate to mothers very well, especially when the topic is religion, politics, education, career…ANYTHING! It’s not that I only want to read blogs about being chidfree, and I certainly don’t have anything against mothers who blog. Really I’m just like everyone else – I want to read a blog from someone who’s a little more like me.
And that’s where sites like BlogHer are supposed to come in. They have a large blogroll separated by topic, which should help you find likeminded writers. But when there is no category for women without children, where does that leave people like me? Invisible.
Anyway, that’s my take on the issue. I hope this campaign will make a difference, and if you are childfree, please take the time to visit Purple Women & Friends today and check out some of the other bloggers who have weighed in on this issue. And if you’re one of my readers who could care less about childfree stuff, thanks for making it to the end of this post. To reward you, I’ll tell you a funny story:
We were able to get excellent tickets for the Clemson vs. Boston College football game this weekend – 30 yard line, lower deck. However, the dog thought they looked tasty, so he ate them. Ben was able to wrench the tickets out of his mouth, but unfortunately the tear-away stubs came off, and the dog swallowed them. Ben is furious. If we can’t get into the game, a slightly naughty greyhound may be in need of a good home.
UPDATE: I took the mangled ticket remains down to Clemson, and they printed new ones for me. Apparently Bowman isn't the only dog for whom football tickets are a choice snack, because the lady who helped me said that mine were the second set of dog-chomped tickets she'd replaced this month. Anyway, Ben has made up with the dog and all is well. Go Tigers!
Showing posts with label Childfree. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Childfree. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Missing Out
Hi Y'all! I've got a new post up at Purple Women & Friends called "Missing Out?" Hope you enjoy!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Purple Women and Friends
Exciting news on the blog front - in addition to End of the Tunnel, I will now be a regular contributor over at the Purple Women and Friends blog!
Purple Women is an organization that provides support and resources for women (and I guess men too) who have chosen not to have children. From now on, I will be using this forum to discuss my thoughts on being a Childfree Christian. This is an awesome opportunity to talk about the Lord to a new group of people, and I am very excited about it!
A short bio and my first post are already up on the Purple Women and Friends blog. You might recognize the post as a re-vamp of an earlier one from End of the Tunnel, but future contributions will be all new. If you're interested in childfree issues, I encourage you to check it out!
Purple Women is an organization that provides support and resources for women (and I guess men too) who have chosen not to have children. From now on, I will be using this forum to discuss my thoughts on being a Childfree Christian. This is an awesome opportunity to talk about the Lord to a new group of people, and I am very excited about it!
A short bio and my first post are already up on the Purple Women and Friends blog. You might recognize the post as a re-vamp of an earlier one from End of the Tunnel, but future contributions will be all new. If you're interested in childfree issues, I encourage you to check it out!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Finding Answers
You know the saying that you should be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it? Well, that’s true for prayer too.
A while ago, my husband told me he’d been asking God to reveal WHY He didn’t want us to have children. He felt that if he could understand what God had in mind for us instead, he could more fully embrace His direction. Apparently God was listening.
We have spent every evening this week with friends or family members who needed our support. Their struggles were not expected, and we had no idea we’d be called upon so much. We have expended considerable emotional energy, invested lots of time, and gotten very little sleep. But the amazing part of everything is, we feel great! We are so honored that God would use us in the lives of people we care about, and it feels wonderful to serve in a meaningful way. We love these people and would do anything for them, and it seems that God plans to take advantage of that.
If we had children, there is no way we could have dropped everything this week. The children’s emotional and physical needs would have had to come first, and the people who needed us would have been out of luck.
I think we all need someone in our lives who we can depend on no matter what, and I hope my husband and I will always get to be that somebody for many people. This week has reminded us anew that children are not the only ones in this world who need our love.
A while ago, my husband told me he’d been asking God to reveal WHY He didn’t want us to have children. He felt that if he could understand what God had in mind for us instead, he could more fully embrace His direction. Apparently God was listening.
We have spent every evening this week with friends or family members who needed our support. Their struggles were not expected, and we had no idea we’d be called upon so much. We have expended considerable emotional energy, invested lots of time, and gotten very little sleep. But the amazing part of everything is, we feel great! We are so honored that God would use us in the lives of people we care about, and it feels wonderful to serve in a meaningful way. We love these people and would do anything for them, and it seems that God plans to take advantage of that.
If we had children, there is no way we could have dropped everything this week. The children’s emotional and physical needs would have had to come first, and the people who needed us would have been out of luck.
I think we all need someone in our lives who we can depend on no matter what, and I hope my husband and I will always get to be that somebody for many people. This week has reminded us anew that children are not the only ones in this world who need our love.
Monday, June 11, 2007
You Get What You Give
Now that we’ve made the decision not to have kids, I’ve been checking out some childfree sites and blogs on the Internet. I was somewhat surprised to find that even within the Childfree Community, my viewpoint still leaves me out in left field.
I know that the decision to be childfree is not one that the most people will ever understand, and that’s okay – I don’t really expect them to. The majority of people do not choose my lifestyle, and I know it would be illogical for the world to cater to people like me.
I also don’t hate kids or their parents. Yes, babies scare me a little. Yes, I have run into some kids that I wanted to throttle, and yes, I have met some parents that needed a serious reality check. But I know some really fantastic kids too, and some of my own role models have been parents. I think it’s great when God chooses to give people fulfillment through children - that’s just not how He’s going to do things for me.
A lot of the childfree sites just seem to focus on baby bashing. I was looking more for support resources, but what I initially found was mostly rants about how the Childfree are right and everyone else is wrong. A lot of these posts are very one-sided and cruel, not to mention disrespectful and hypocritical. And ironically, a lot of these people don’t understand why the world doesn’t give them the respect they deserve.
You will never find me condemning another person’s life choices. I may not jump on their bandwagon, and I may even disagree with what they’re doing. But I will always respect them as children of God, whether they recognize Him as their Father or not. I know it is not my job to judge.
Anyway, after digging deeper, I did find some blogs and sites I enjoy and can relate to. And I am looking forward to adding my voice of reason to the Childfree Community.
I know that the decision to be childfree is not one that the most people will ever understand, and that’s okay – I don’t really expect them to. The majority of people do not choose my lifestyle, and I know it would be illogical for the world to cater to people like me.
I also don’t hate kids or their parents. Yes, babies scare me a little. Yes, I have run into some kids that I wanted to throttle, and yes, I have met some parents that needed a serious reality check. But I know some really fantastic kids too, and some of my own role models have been parents. I think it’s great when God chooses to give people fulfillment through children - that’s just not how He’s going to do things for me.
A lot of the childfree sites just seem to focus on baby bashing. I was looking more for support resources, but what I initially found was mostly rants about how the Childfree are right and everyone else is wrong. A lot of these posts are very one-sided and cruel, not to mention disrespectful and hypocritical. And ironically, a lot of these people don’t understand why the world doesn’t give them the respect they deserve.
You will never find me condemning another person’s life choices. I may not jump on their bandwagon, and I may even disagree with what they’re doing. But I will always respect them as children of God, whether they recognize Him as their Father or not. I know it is not my job to judge.
Anyway, after digging deeper, I did find some blogs and sites I enjoy and can relate to. And I am looking forward to adding my voice of reason to the Childfree Community.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Childfree for Me
Not long ago, I wrote a blog about my struggle with the decision to have (or not to have) children. I had always known that there was a strong possibility that children were not in God’s plan for me, and I was very comfortable with that. But as possibility started looking more and more like reality, I started to question myself. Am I sure God doesn’t want me to have kids? So, as I now do whenever something is weighing on my mind, I wrote about it.
After reading my blog, someone commented that it seemed like I’d already made up my mind. I was confused by the statement at first, but when I went back and re-read what I’d posted, I saw what he/she meant. And it rocked my world.
You see, about the time I posted that blog, my husband and I had decided that we would have children. We even went so far as to tell some friends about it, and sketch out a timeline. But somehow, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I felt increasingly uneasy. I kept flipping back and forth in my mind, but I didn’t want to revisit the issue. It felt good to have made an official decision, even if it might not be the right one.
The blog comment was the first in a long series of events (of which I’ll spare you the details) that made it painfully obvious that we needed to regroup. After much prayer and discussion, we came to a new conclusion:
It just doesn’t look like parenthood is in God’s plan for us. I know you should never say never where God is concerned, and I won’t. But what I can say is that we’re going to live life as if we aren’t having children, and I know it’s the right direction for us.
Now that I have faced reality, I have that peace again which I’ve only ever experienced when I’ve been in the center of God’s will. But that’s not to say I am bursting with happiness right now either. I wanted to want to be a mom. And I wanted to make my parents happy by giving them a grandchild. And I wanted, for once in my freakin’ life, to do something the same way everyone else does it.
But when it’s all said and done, more than anything, I want what God wants. And apparently, that doesn’t include any little Shelleys running around. Oh well – one is probably enough anyway.
After reading my blog, someone commented that it seemed like I’d already made up my mind. I was confused by the statement at first, but when I went back and re-read what I’d posted, I saw what he/she meant. And it rocked my world.
You see, about the time I posted that blog, my husband and I had decided that we would have children. We even went so far as to tell some friends about it, and sketch out a timeline. But somehow, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I felt increasingly uneasy. I kept flipping back and forth in my mind, but I didn’t want to revisit the issue. It felt good to have made an official decision, even if it might not be the right one.
The blog comment was the first in a long series of events (of which I’ll spare you the details) that made it painfully obvious that we needed to regroup. After much prayer and discussion, we came to a new conclusion:
It just doesn’t look like parenthood is in God’s plan for us. I know you should never say never where God is concerned, and I won’t. But what I can say is that we’re going to live life as if we aren’t having children, and I know it’s the right direction for us.
Now that I have faced reality, I have that peace again which I’ve only ever experienced when I’ve been in the center of God’s will. But that’s not to say I am bursting with happiness right now either. I wanted to want to be a mom. And I wanted to make my parents happy by giving them a grandchild. And I wanted, for once in my freakin’ life, to do something the same way everyone else does it.
But when it’s all said and done, more than anything, I want what God wants. And apparently, that doesn’t include any little Shelleys running around. Oh well – one is probably enough anyway.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Plenty of Selfishness to Go Around
At this point in life, God has still not revealed to me if children are in my future. As I get closer to the big 3–0, this lack of direction has become increasingly troubling for me. I find myself questioning whether it's really that God hasn’t told me to have kids, or if He has, but I don't want to listen to Him because I don’t want to give anything up.
I’ll be the first to admit that my reasons for being unenthusiastic about having children are mostly selfish. I enjoy my freedom and my discretionary income, and I’m not too excited about the bodily wear and tear that results from childbirth. I enjoy being able to invest in my friends and in my church without having to think of a child first. And I have an amazing relationship with my spouse that I don’t want to be changed by anything. I love my life just the way it is.
My husband and I were talking about this issue yesterday, and we realized we were taking for granted that having a child is a selfless thing to do. We started discussing the reasons why people have kids, and decided that selfish motives aren’t exclusive to the childfree.
If you really get down to it, the main reasons people choose to have kids seem to involve PERSONAL fulfillment! Some people want something to love that will unconditionally love them back. Others dream of reliving the joy of their own childhoods, and getting it right where their parents erred. Sadly many people have children in an attempt to fix a failing marriage, which of course never works. But in any case, even though parents certainly make sacrifices to raise their children, they do so in hopes of achieving some sort of greater reward for themselves.
Awhile back, I asked my Dad why he decided to have kids, and he answered by simply saying, “Because I wanted to be a father.” No further explanation, no stupid justifications about contributing to society or leaving a legacy for future generations. He had children because he knew that’s what would make him happy. I wish more people would be that honest.
People who have children aren’t any more special than those who don’t. They’re not on some noble mission, and they’re not martyrs. They’re not more mature or unselfish, and I shouldn’t feel inferior because I haven’t made the same life decisions as them. They have kids, and that makes them happy. I don’t have kids, and I’m very happy too. Simple as that.
I am not a bad person for enjoying my life as it is. I am not any more or less selfish than anyone else in this world, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for my choices just because they differ from the majority. I need to stop doubting myself and just listen to what God is telling me. I guess it’s pretty dumb to doubt that I’m really listening to God, just because I actually like what He’s saying!
I’ll be the first to admit that my reasons for being unenthusiastic about having children are mostly selfish. I enjoy my freedom and my discretionary income, and I’m not too excited about the bodily wear and tear that results from childbirth. I enjoy being able to invest in my friends and in my church without having to think of a child first. And I have an amazing relationship with my spouse that I don’t want to be changed by anything. I love my life just the way it is.
My husband and I were talking about this issue yesterday, and we realized we were taking for granted that having a child is a selfless thing to do. We started discussing the reasons why people have kids, and decided that selfish motives aren’t exclusive to the childfree.
If you really get down to it, the main reasons people choose to have kids seem to involve PERSONAL fulfillment! Some people want something to love that will unconditionally love them back. Others dream of reliving the joy of their own childhoods, and getting it right where their parents erred. Sadly many people have children in an attempt to fix a failing marriage, which of course never works. But in any case, even though parents certainly make sacrifices to raise their children, they do so in hopes of achieving some sort of greater reward for themselves.
Awhile back, I asked my Dad why he decided to have kids, and he answered by simply saying, “Because I wanted to be a father.” No further explanation, no stupid justifications about contributing to society or leaving a legacy for future generations. He had children because he knew that’s what would make him happy. I wish more people would be that honest.
People who have children aren’t any more special than those who don’t. They’re not on some noble mission, and they’re not martyrs. They’re not more mature or unselfish, and I shouldn’t feel inferior because I haven’t made the same life decisions as them. They have kids, and that makes them happy. I don’t have kids, and I’m very happy too. Simple as that.
I am not a bad person for enjoying my life as it is. I am not any more or less selfish than anyone else in this world, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for my choices just because they differ from the majority. I need to stop doubting myself and just listen to what God is telling me. I guess it’s pretty dumb to doubt that I’m really listening to God, just because I actually like what He’s saying!
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
DINKs Unite!
I have a little secret to tell you...
I don’t really like kids. At all. Babies make me extremely uncomfortable, and the idea of breast feeding repulses me. I don’t enjoy being around older children either, (except for a few notable exceptions,) and I wish restaurants had “no children” sections so I could eat in peace while rambunctious kids enjoyed themselves in a different area. I am just not one of those women who is overflowing with natural love for children.
It’s generally not a good idea to disclose this point of view if you are trying to fit into the traditional Southern church culture. When my husband and I got married and joined our first church together, I made the naïve mistake of telling a group of women that I didn’t like babies. I think I would have gotten a better reaction if I had told them I was the spawn of Satan! There wasn’t much of a verbal response, but their eyes and facial expressions told me there was a special place in Hell with my name on it.
I’m ashamed to say that I really let those women get to me, and for awhile I chose to skirt the issue rather than be myself. Once when a lady asked me when I was going to have children, I simply said “I can’t.” And as I knew she would, she assumed it was because of a physical limitation, and I just let her believe it. Bad of me, I know. But it wasn’t a total lie because I really can’t have kids – as long as I keep taking my special little pill.
At this point in life, I am way past hiding who I am to fit in with ANYONE, especially the church lady crowd. I know that God made me the way I am for a reason, and that children are not in His will for me right now. Someday He may zap me with a maternal instinct and tell me to have 6 kids, and that’s okay. And if He never allows me to have a child at all, I think I will be a little sad, but that will be okay too.
My husband and I have since become part of a much more progressive, though still primarily family-focused, Community church. We have even started a Home Group, (our church’s alternative to Sunday School,) for young couples without children. We’ve been dubbed the DINKs, (Double Income No Kids), and God has blessed us tremendously through the group. That’s not to say we’ve received unconditional acceptance, because the idea of excluding children from a church activity is still somewhat controversial, no matter how open-minded the church. But I know there are at least 5 couples grateful to have a place to belong.
I believe it’s right for churches to put the majority of their efforts into reaching families with children, but I wonder if we’re doing ourselves a disservice by forgetting about people in the no-man’s-land between marriage and parenthood. According to an NBC news report that aired this week, 70% of married couples now wait more than 3 years to have children. So that means for the most critical early years of a marriage, the church overlooks 70% of couples at a time when they need guidance the most. Could that have something to do with the 50% divorce rate?...
I don’t really like kids. At all. Babies make me extremely uncomfortable, and the idea of breast feeding repulses me. I don’t enjoy being around older children either, (except for a few notable exceptions,) and I wish restaurants had “no children” sections so I could eat in peace while rambunctious kids enjoyed themselves in a different area. I am just not one of those women who is overflowing with natural love for children.
It’s generally not a good idea to disclose this point of view if you are trying to fit into the traditional Southern church culture. When my husband and I got married and joined our first church together, I made the naïve mistake of telling a group of women that I didn’t like babies. I think I would have gotten a better reaction if I had told them I was the spawn of Satan! There wasn’t much of a verbal response, but their eyes and facial expressions told me there was a special place in Hell with my name on it.
I’m ashamed to say that I really let those women get to me, and for awhile I chose to skirt the issue rather than be myself. Once when a lady asked me when I was going to have children, I simply said “I can’t.” And as I knew she would, she assumed it was because of a physical limitation, and I just let her believe it. Bad of me, I know. But it wasn’t a total lie because I really can’t have kids – as long as I keep taking my special little pill.
At this point in life, I am way past hiding who I am to fit in with ANYONE, especially the church lady crowd. I know that God made me the way I am for a reason, and that children are not in His will for me right now. Someday He may zap me with a maternal instinct and tell me to have 6 kids, and that’s okay. And if He never allows me to have a child at all, I think I will be a little sad, but that will be okay too.
My husband and I have since become part of a much more progressive, though still primarily family-focused, Community church. We have even started a Home Group, (our church’s alternative to Sunday School,) for young couples without children. We’ve been dubbed the DINKs, (Double Income No Kids), and God has blessed us tremendously through the group. That’s not to say we’ve received unconditional acceptance, because the idea of excluding children from a church activity is still somewhat controversial, no matter how open-minded the church. But I know there are at least 5 couples grateful to have a place to belong.
I believe it’s right for churches to put the majority of their efforts into reaching families with children, but I wonder if we’re doing ourselves a disservice by forgetting about people in the no-man’s-land between marriage and parenthood. According to an NBC news report that aired this week, 70% of married couples now wait more than 3 years to have children. So that means for the most critical early years of a marriage, the church overlooks 70% of couples at a time when they need guidance the most. Could that have something to do with the 50% divorce rate?...
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